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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.